Change Ain't Easy

Epiphany while vacuuming 

This morning, while vacuuming my carpets, I was thinking about two very dear friends of mine. I love them, so have them on my mind frequently. While they know about each other, the two haven't yet had the opportunity to meet. Interestingly, both are talking a lot about areas in their lives that they need to change. I agree with them and support the changes they are facing. My vacuum is rather loud, so it drowns out any other sound. It's a good time for me to do thinking. I was mulling over the conversations I've had with these two and of course was formulating solutions and some very sage advise. Then, BAM, I realized I was the one that needed the talking to and that awesome advise should be directed right back at myself!

Energy wasted

Seriously, how often do we spend time judging and fussing over the shortcomings, problems, and challenges of another? Now mind you, I wasn't being mean or judgy about my friends. I was just coming up with a solution or program that I thought would be helpful. But... What would it be like if I turned that energy right back at myself?

As much as my friends love me, I'm 98.5% certain they would kinda, sorta listen to my ideas and then continue on with their own. That's how humans are. For the most part, they are going to do what they have in their minds to do. Using my energy worrying about how to fix their problems is a serious waste of a great mind (mine, of course).

Example is better than a solution

After getting over the shock of the moment (yes, silly I know) and realizing that this was a good thing, it came to me that being an example is much more inspiring than giving someone, even a loved one, a neat and tidy solution. Really, change is not easy. Well, maybe little changes are, like getting a new shade of lipstick or trying a different style of shoes. Breaking out in small ways that are relatively safe is not all that difficult.

We all know that true and lasting change comes from thinking differently. For some, this seems easy. Yet, the core changes we make in our values and beliefs are extremely difficult. All the external pushes and pulls do not make for real change. What does is a new or altered way of thinking. And, that's where I hope to make a difference.

To help my two dear friends, I must help myself. I realize I have to first examine areas that I need fundamental change. There are a few things I need to really work on, And, I'm going to. With prayer, counsel, and determined new thinking, I will set the sail for this new course.

So, here's to spending less time trying to fix and figure for people who really haven't asked for it. I am super excited about this shift in energy. I bet they'll like it, too. They'll probably even ask me how I did it. Then....watch out!

What are you investing in?

So often we put all of our resources into career building, social climbing, a killer wardrobe, or the perfect body. All are fine and good. Yet, where are you when something happens and it's taken from you? What's left are the true riches, or lack there of, that matter - character, relationships, spirituality, health, joy in living. What are you investing in today? 

Don't hate me if I say no!

This week we are looking at different aspects of relationship boundaries, both in our personal lives and in the work place. Yesterday I shared thought about saying no to relationships that are not reciprocal in Clinging to Crumbs, Dreaming of Cake. Today, I want to talk about appropriately using "no" more often.

Saying "no" is one of the most difficult things for women to do. Why? Traditionally women have been trained to be caretakers. How many families expect the mother to take care of everything from making everyone's beds to balancing the checkbook to organizing the school fundraiser? If you are feeling overwhelmed and tired or you wonder where time for you fits in, maybe new attitudes and behavior patterns need to be developed.

Recognize the limits of your time and energy. Make a list of your commitments and prioritize them. Ask yourself, "How much do I want to do this?" Rate it on a scale from 0-10. Then ask, "How important is this?" Again, rate from 0-10. If you get a combined score of 10 or more, then do it! If your score is less than this, consider saying no.

If saying no is not currently in your vocabulary, it may take time and determination. The change will feel uncomfortable for many; some will encounter resistance and frustration. It may take months or even years to feel okay about saying no, refusing to clean up others' messes, not always driving the soccer team to practice, delegating responsibility to others. It will not be easy to hold fast when others try to manipulate you into giving in and going back to your "old accommodating self." However, it is necessary to break these habits. The alternative is burnout at best, physical or mental breakdown at worst.

Who in your life do you need to say no to? Is it the neighbor who "guilts" you into watching her children while she gets her nails done? How about your forgetful child who constantly needs you to bring lunch money to school? Maybe it's the manager who flatters you into planning the office holiday event.

Have you found that committing to something incongruent to your agenda usually happens when you are caught off guard? Someone has some how convinced you to get involved in their project or they desperately need your expertise for an urgent assignment. It's women's tendency to want to be helpful. How often after you have spontaneously said yes to someone's request, you say to yourself, "Oh, why did I say yes again?"

Practice an answer before you are ambushed. You might memorize something like this, "Let me give it some thought and get back to you." This gives you a time-out, time to think before you commit yet again. If you decide you want to help and it's important, feel free to say yes. If you choose no, you might say, "After looking at my commitments, I realize that I will not be able to give you a hand at this time." or "With the commitments I have already made to others, I can't do it justice." Practice these phrases over and over until they become second nature to you.

Consider using technology to help you. The caller id function on your phone is there for a reason! Use it to screen calls. You are under no obligation to answer your phone, let the caller leave a message. This is another way to take a time-out, giving you an opportunity to plan your response according to your needs.

How do you say no to a child or a spouse? Sometimes a simple no is appropriate. However, there will be times when you need to describe why you cannot say yes. Express why no is your answer; be specific in giving your reason, and explain the consequences if you were to say yes.

Resist the urge to be all things to all people! Sometimes saying no is a good thing.

Clinging to crumbs, dreaming of cake

Ever feel like you're on the short end of a relationship? Will giving more really bring you what you need? This week I am going to explore several aspects of the work place, starting with relationships. After all, we have relationships in our personal lives...and at work!

Do any of these relationship scenarios sound familiar? The dating situation where he's forever off doing his own thing. He has an extensive collection of excuses why he doesn't have time to do things with you. What about the friend who always needs help with this or that, but backs out of almost every plan you've made together. You learn she's spending most of her time hanging out with other girlfriends. How about the spouse who spends all of his free time doing things for others, but has nothing left for you. And, there's the boss who is demanding and never satisfied, but chums up to you when she needs your help in a crunch situation.

When my friends tell me about situations like these in their lives, I get pretty cranked up. My Xena, Princess Warrior persona kicks into full gear! I get all riled up about how they deserve better and I'm happy to set everyone straight!

I have to admit that I've had more than a few of these painfully unfulfilling relationships in my life. I would wonder to myself what's wrong with me, am I not good enough to have a really wonderful relationship? The scarier question was why did I stay? Upon reflection, I realized that in most situations I was getting a little portion of what I wanted. Crumbs. Tantalizing bits of a good thing. Just enough to keep me hooked, hoping for more. I would say to myself, if I just give a bit more I'll be rewarded with something wonderful. Honestly, the reward seldom came.

Frankly, I was fearful of losing the little bits of love or attention that I got from these individuals. I used to think that some of a good thing is better than none. I learned that it's not. In recent years I gathered my courage and began stating my needs. I asked for what I wanted. In one situation I said that I wished that they would spend more time with me, to be made a priority in their life. With another person my answer to desperate requests to save them from imminent disaster was consistently "no." (don't worry, the disasters were pretty much drama created from lack of organization on their part). In the cases where the other party could not or would not commit on the same level that I had, I chose to let them go. It didn't mean that I held resentment toward them, I just let go of the crumbs. In the end it was a good thing.

Fortunately, I have some wonderful, solid relationships in my life. Reciprocity is the hallmark of these healthy associations; friends, coworkers, family members and others in my community. All are mutually supportive, each party considering the other. My best friend is the perfect example. She loves spending time with me, delights in my successes, is there when I need her, and she makes time in her life for me. And…I do the same for her.

Well, I'm pretty much done with clinging to crumbs. I am either going to find ways to make difficult relationships work or I'm going to let them go. Then…I will leave open the way for those who come bearing cake!