Try and Trying Again

Setbacks and delays cannot detour the focused pursuit of a great goal. You go!

Gratitude Attitude

How grateful are your words? Do you tell others how much you appreciate their efforts, their talents, their smiles? Being grateful on the inside is good, being grateful on the outside is excellent!

Change Ain't Easy

Epiphany while vacuuming 

This morning, while vacuuming my carpets, I was thinking about two very dear friends of mine. I love them, so have them on my mind frequently. While they know about each other, the two haven't yet had the opportunity to meet. Interestingly, both are talking a lot about areas in their lives that they need to change. I agree with them and support the changes they are facing. My vacuum is rather loud, so it drowns out any other sound. It's a good time for me to do thinking. I was mulling over the conversations I've had with these two and of course was formulating solutions and some very sage advise. Then, BAM, I realized I was the one that needed the talking to and that awesome advise should be directed right back at myself!

Energy wasted

Seriously, how often do we spend time judging and fussing over the shortcomings, problems, and challenges of another? Now mind you, I wasn't being mean or judgy about my friends. I was just coming up with a solution or program that I thought would be helpful. But... What would it be like if I turned that energy right back at myself?

As much as my friends love me, I'm 98.5% certain they would kinda, sorta listen to my ideas and then continue on with their own. That's how humans are. For the most part, they are going to do what they have in their minds to do. Using my energy worrying about how to fix their problems is a serious waste of a great mind (mine, of course).

Example is better than a solution

After getting over the shock of the moment (yes, silly I know) and realizing that this was a good thing, it came to me that being an example is much more inspiring than giving someone, even a loved one, a neat and tidy solution. Really, change is not easy. Well, maybe little changes are, like getting a new shade of lipstick or trying a different style of shoes. Breaking out in small ways that are relatively safe is not all that difficult.

We all know that true and lasting change comes from thinking differently. For some, this seems easy. Yet, the core changes we make in our values and beliefs are extremely difficult. All the external pushes and pulls do not make for real change. What does is a new or altered way of thinking. And, that's where I hope to make a difference.

To help my two dear friends, I must help myself. I realize I have to first examine areas that I need fundamental change. There are a few things I need to really work on, And, I'm going to. With prayer, counsel, and determined new thinking, I will set the sail for this new course.

So, here's to spending less time trying to fix and figure for people who really haven't asked for it. I am super excited about this shift in energy. I bet they'll like it, too. They'll probably even ask me how I did it. Then....watch out!

Your words have great power.

Here's an excellent way to start the week. Remember Miguel Ruiz's points from The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

Image Source: Karen Salmonsohn

Sow generously

Going above and beyond in service and generosity of spirit will always, always have it's rewards. The reverse is also true. Holding back, shorting another, being greedy, will come back with interest. This is one of those beautiful laws of the universe. Remember, what you sow, you will reap! 

Sow generously today! 

Image source: Jay Roeder

Words that work magic

“One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind.” ~Malayan Proverb

Prints of this great reminder are available here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/66287671/please-thank-you-print-1

Having "that" conversation

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about why key conversations are so hard for most people. We all know "that" talk you have with someone that you dread, those talks that seem confrontational or tend to be emotional. 

Here are a few tips to have in mind that will keep these difficult conversations manageable:

Steer clear of combat mode
When difficult conversations turn toxic, it's often because we've made a key mistake: we've fallen into a combat mindset. You set up a winner and a loser; who's going to win? Well, you hope it's you! In reality, when this happens, everyone loses. The real enemy is your combat approach.

Its complicated
Think about it, if what you need to talk about was easy, you probably wouldn’t even be worried about the conversation. It’s because there’s a lot going on that you need this chat. Don’t over simplify a bunch of things and ball them up into one little conversation. Remember that if it was simple you wouldn’t be having this conversation. Complicated is ok; just remind yourself of that!

Give a little respect
Respect the person you’re talking to. Respect the problem you're trying to resolve. And, respect yourself. Making sure that you respond in a way you can later be proud of will prevent you from being thrown off course if your counterpart isn't seeing the situation the same way you are.

State what your really want
Fear, anger, embarrassment, defensiveness – any number of unpleasant feelings can course through us during a conversation we'd rather not have. Some of us react by confronting more aggressively; others, by rushing to smooth things over. We might even see-saw between both counterproductive poles. Instead, move to the middle: state what you really want. The tough emotions won't evaporate. But with practice, you will learn to focus on the outcome you want in spite of them.

Avoid taking the bait
Every one has a weak spot. And when someone finds ours – whether inadvertently, with a stray arrow, or because he is hoping to hurt us – it becomes even harder to stay out of the combat mentality. Whatever it is, take the time to learn what hooks you. Just knowing where you're vulnerable will help you stay in control when someone pokes you there.

Get rid of the script
If we're sure a conversation is going to be tough, it's instinctive to rehearse what we'll say. But a difficult conversation is not a performance, with an actor and an audience. Once you've started the discussion, your counterpart could react in any number of ways – and having a "script" in mind will hamper your ability to listen effectively and react accordingly. Instead, prepare by asking yourself: 1. What is the problem? 2. What would my counterpart say the problem is? 3. What's my preferred outcome? 4. What's my preferred working relationship with my counterpart? 

You know what they say about assumptions
We tend to forget that we don't have access to anyone's intentions but our own. Remember that you and your counterpart are both dealing with this ambiguity. If you get stuck, a handy phrase to remember is, "I'm realizing as we talk that I don't fully understand how you see this problem." Admitting what you don't know can be a powerful way to get a conversation back on track.

Keep sight of the goal
Go into conversations with a clear, realistic preferred outcome. Remember how you want your relationship with your counterpart to be. Think carefully about any obstacles that could interfere with either the outcome or the relationship. Remember, "winning" is not a realistic outcome. By doing so, you'll be less likely to get thrown off course by either thwarting ploys or your own emotions.

When we're caught off-guard, we're more likely to fall back into old, ineffective habits like the combat mentality. If you're not the one initiating the tough conversation, or if a problem erupts out of nowhere, stick to these basics:

content clear
tone neutral
phrasing temperate

When disagreements flare, you'll be more likely to navigate to a productive outcome – and emerge with your reputation intact.

My thoughts were based on Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them by Holly Weeks.

Powerfully Positive Words

This week we are looking at different aspects of relationship boundaries, both in our personal lives and in the work place. Thus far I have shared thoughts about saying no to relationships that are not reciprocal in Clinging to Crumbs, Dreaming of Cake, and learning how to take care of yourself in Don't Hate Me if I Say No! On this bright Wednesday morning, I'd like you to take a minute to think about the words you use with those who you work and live with. Are you using positive reinforcement?

There is an unwavering rule in my house: "stupid" and "shut up" are bad words and we are never to use them on one another. Think about it. How do you feel when you hear these words? I certainly don't feel positive, heard, or valued when someone directs them at me.

Your Words Are Powerful

How about in the work place? Which feels better coming from your boss: "This report sucks! You totally blew it. It's not that hard, get back to your office and do it right!" or "Nice effort on your report. I will work with you to improve a few areas." In both cases the report needs to be corrected. What's the difference?

What about the Debbie Downer in the crowd. She's the one that hates this and hates that. She says she never has enough time, money, nice things, behaved children, whatever. She complains that she's too fat, tired, busy. All that negativity makes her no fun to be around.

One of men's biggest complaints about women is that they nag. "You don't ever..." "You're so sloppy, lazy, late..." "When was the last time you...." Ouch! Seriously, what guy wants to snuggle up to someone who talks this way! It's amazing how words impact us

Pay attention to how you feel when certain words are used. Do you feel confident, positive, and hopeful when you speak? Even in a negative situation, positive words can be used. For example, you're sick with a cold, your head is stuffy, and your temperature is a bit high. How can you sound positive when you feel horrible? You can! When asked how you're feeling, try saying something such as, "I'm sure looking forward to feeling like my old self again." It's much better than muttering that you are miserable and want to die.

Use this approach when talking to others. What about giving feedback to your girlfriend when she's late yet again. You're frustrated, annoyed, and disappointed. If you use shaming words, it's a pretty certain bet your fun event will be iced over with hurt feelings. But it is important that you address the situation. Here's a suggestion: Tell her you appreciate it when she's on time. That it helps you relax and guarantees a good attitude on your part.

Does all of this positivity sound silly? Maybe. But, positive words uplift and establish a powerful sense of well-being. Doesn't everyone want to feel this?

I borrowed the following lists of words from Every Word Has Power by Yvonne Oswald. One is a list of words to remove from your language. The other list of words are optimistic, high energy words. Don't limit yourself to these lists! There are many, many more words that can be added to both.

Avoid using these Negative Power words:

Afraid Angry Anxiety Bad Blocked Bottom Broke Cheap Cheat Control Criticize Dark Difficult Disease Disempower Doubt Down Envy Expensive Failure Fear Forget Guilt Hard Hate Idiot Ill Lazy Lose/loser Mean Nasty Old Poor Problem Putdown Rage Reaction Reduce Rule Sad Separate Shame Sick Small Sorrow Stupid Sue Trying War Weak Worry

Use these Positive Power words:

Achieve Baby Beautiful Believe Choose/choice Dream Easy Energy Enthusiasm Family Father Feel Free Funny Future God Happy Harmony Heart Humor Improve Knowledge Mom Money New Please Popular Positive Profit Release Results Safety Sexy Smart Success Sweet Thanks Top Unique

Using words for the positive is so powerful! Try switching out the negative words from your vocabulary. Get creative and find ways to only use positive, impactful words. You'll be surprised how you feel and I guarantee those around you will appreciate the shift.